It is not nearly as fun to write these as it is to read them. I am exhausted and embarrassed just recounting all the products I used in one day. BUT HERE WE GO.

Somewhere between 6:30 AM and 9:00 AM (I don't have a job)

At some point in the morning I hop out of bed and go into the adjacent-but-not-attached bathroom and pee or whatever, then assess my skin. I'm on this retinol treatment through PocketDerm so every morning I check to see if my skin is improved or if the day brings a fresh flaky hell. Usually it's the latter. After I discover that I'm still the ugly sonofabitch I was the day before I wash my face. Sometimes I just wipe it with a damp washcloth, but if I sweated an extra lot or used a super heavy product the night before I use Cerave hydrating cleanser or a random sample I have lying around. I'm pretty chill about cleanser; it doesn't stay on your skin long enough to get benefits from a ton of fancy ingredients, so as long as it doesn't dry my skin out I'll use it. I almost always use a washcloth for some gentle exfoliation, and I always use a fresh clean one because do you know how fast wet washcloths get fucking disgusting?? Real fast, honey.

Time to moisturize A$AP while my skin is still damp. Right now I'm using Cetaphil, but not in the giant fucking tub because a) I'm not ready for that level of commitment and b) I don't like the thought of dipping my fingers into this stuff for a whole year. The moisturizer itself is...fine. It works. So I slapped a little of that on and waited for it to sink in then SUNSCREEN. I am trying really hard to make this a lifelong everyday habit because my skin already looks like shit at 23, so I put on sunscreen every morning as soon as I wake up and reapply as needed. I've tried a bunch and some of them suck and some of them are okay. I haven't found an SPF 50 that is really pleasant to use. Today I used Nu Derm SPF 50. A whole quarter teaspoon of it. It feels like too much and I feel like an asshole, but it eventually mostly rubs in without too much of a white cast.

Today working out was at the top of my agenda so I put on some Secret Clinical Strength Deoderant. I sweat a lot and that sweat smells bad and this stuff seems to keep my armpit situation under control. Then maybe some Fresh Sugar Lip Treatment and I'm out the door to go make my butt into a different, better butt.

11:00 am

While I was working out I sweated all my sunscreen off and directly into my eyes so I go rinse my face off and put on Cetaphil moisturizer with SPF 50 that I carry around in my purse. It's fine. It leaves me shiny but not greasy, with some powder over it it is perfectly presentable to the world at large. Overall I look pretty gross and sweaty now, but I'm going to go run some errands.

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1:00

Shower time! Sometimes I shower at the gym but today I showered at home. Run the shower to warm up, crank up the tunes, and hop in. I only wash my hair every 3 or 4 days and today is a washing day. I conditioner-only wash, you should try it or at least not judge me. Today I used Paul Mitchell Lavender Mint (the Tea Tree Special one, however, made my scalp bleed so I cannot endorse it). While that was chilling in my hair I used this body wash from a spa I've been to in Portland. It smells like egg nog. It's okay. It doesn't get as sudsy as I'd like. I'm not fancy with my body wash, I've been known to use Dove soap. I also really like Trader Joe's Tea Tree Tingle stuff. I shaved my pits using Barbasol shaving cream that I stole from my dad and some iteration of the Venus multiblade razor. Sometimes I shave my legs but not today my friend, not today. Rinsed out my hair, all done.

It took me four tries to get this Turbie Twist bullshit to stay on my head with my hair in it, but I did it. I'm really bad at moisturizing my body but I'm trying to do something about the keratoblahblah on my arms so I alternatively use Amlactin and Cerave SA. It's getting better but it's still there. I also used some Lancome Nutrix Royal Body Cream on my chest and shoulders. It smells nice. Some more Cetaphil on my face. It was still light out, so more SPF.

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I put something in my hair to keep it from turning to straw while I blow dry it. Today I used Toni and Guy leave in conditioner (a hand me down, it smells weird) and a little bit of Moroccan Oil (smells amazing).

2:00

After hair's done and I am inside my clothes, time for makeup! Today I just went back into town with my dad so I didn't need to get crazy, but I got medium crazy because I knew I would be doing this.

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I do the Wayne Goss method and put powder on after my primer but before my foundation. It sounds loony but it really works and I urge you to give it a try especially if you have oily skin (but I have dry skin and it works real well for me so YMMV). I have a sample of the Smashbox primer and I like it. Today I used Missha Perfect Cover BB cream because it is excellent and I loves it. I applied it with my Beauty Blender which I don't like that much because it gets disgusting so fast and I don't want to wash it every day. I would love suggestions for a brush to use to apply BB cream or foundation because I do not have one that works. I applied concealer (this MAC one and/or this NARS one) in a triangle shape under my eyes and around my nose and mouth and on my chin and on my blemishes. I patted on a little powder to set all that and now the fun begins.

I didn't wear eyeshadow today because I was running out of time but I often do. First - Benefit's High Brow pencil. I hate Benefit a lot but I love this product. It's super pink and light and just looks nice. I rub that sucker up on my brow bone and blend it in with my finger. I slap on some eyeshadow primer because otherwise there's no point. This Urban Decay stuff is amazing; one time I put on makeup before partying and got blackout drunk and when I woke up at noon my eyeshadow was perfect.

I have a handful of palettes (the Naked Basics 2, Too Faced Natural Eyes, and Urban Decay Ammo. I used to have a regular Naked 2 but I dropped it too many times, RIP) and I pick 2 - 3 colors to use. A creamish color, lighter than my skin, goes from my lashline up to my brow bone. A medium taupe or brown (sometimes a blue or purple or copper, if I'm feeling crazy) goes in my crease and along my lower lash line. Sometimes I darken up the crease/"outer V" with something darker or blackish. That's it. I really don't know how to eyeshadow but it usually looks pretty good and makes my small eyes pop. I should watch more YouTube tutorials though.

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I don't always fill in my brows, but when I do I use the Anastasa dipbrow. Sometimes my brows look really good and sometimes they look not good so my brow game is basically a wash.

I like maybe some brown pencil liner or a thin line of black liquid liner - this Urban Decay one works pretty well, I don't fuck with felt tip ones, those dry out and become useless - and a small wing. I'm getting pretty good at it and it makes my eyes look bigger. I curled my lashes with the standard torturous contraption and put on some Lancome definicils mascara, which I really like. I don't like Benefit They're Real because you need turpentine to remove it.

I like Tarte blushes and have three and usually choose one at random. TooFaced is the best bronzer I've ever used; it smells like chocolate and is hard to overdo even for a super-pale like me. I usually put on a little bit of this TooFaced shimmery highlighter all over my face with a light hand.

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Everyone who's anyone knows lipstick is the most fun part of anything. I have a handful of lipsticks that I like to wear. They're mostly MAC. I wish I had more more MAC lipsticks, about a hundred more would be good. My favorite red lipstick is NARS Dragon Girl because it is beautiful and perfect and Taylor Swift wears it. Today I wore MAC Rebel though which is a truly gorgeous dark pinky fuchsia lipstick and flattering on all skin tones.

I spritzed some of this L'Occitane body spray on right before I left to run errands with my dad. Today he taught me how to pick the best package of bacon and I ate a corn dog at Fred Meyer.

8:40 p.m.

I forgot to take a picture earlier so here is one now of how my makeup generally looks. My lipstick still looks pretty damn good after that corn dog.

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9:00

When I'm at home I usually wash my face at some point during the evening when my face starts feeling kinda gross. I put on some Cetaphil or Clinique's overnight moisture mask if my skin is super dry which brings us to RIGHT NOW. I'm gonna chill out and dick around on the internet and hang on Twitter until...

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Bedtime, around midnight

I put on my PocketDerm treatment right before I turn the light out for the night because it degrades in light supposedly. If I remember I put on some more chap stick and some Aquaphor on any really icky dry patches on my face.

This has been an exercise in self-hatred and it has sent me into an existential tailspin. Why do I own this much stuff. What is the point. Who am I.

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